


It wasn't worth it

by byronictrash



Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Gwen Stacy is mentioned, M/M, Pepper is a sweetheart and an awesome friend, Stony - Freeform, Superfamily, Superhusbands (Marvel), Tony Stark-centric, Tony already had PTSD but now he's depressed :))), oh lord what am I doing with my life, that good old angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-04-13 17:33:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14117397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/byronictrash/pseuds/byronictrash
Summary: What I have done has no forgiveness. I manipulated, lied and throw my friends one against the others. And all of that for what? Just to lose the love of my life.





	It wasn't worth it

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, this is a fic that I wrote when in 2k15 with 16 years old and in this vacation I decided to translate to english so here it is. Sorry for any mistake so here it is.

Dear Steve,

Honestly, I don’t know why the hell I’m writing you this letter that you will never read. Actually, it was Pepper that told me to write it, she said that it would help me to feel better and I decided to trust her. You know, after all, Pepper Potts is always right. This has already been four days, four days that I don’t go out of the bedroom, our bedroom.  
I have to confess that I’m not having a very exemplary diet. Usually, on the meal times, Nat, James or Peter just bring my food on the door but to be quite honest I barely touch the food.

I like to stay in the room because I feel that, being right here, I can freeze the time. Right here I can pretend that the war never happened, that you’re okay, that I’m okay, that we’re okay and you will come back home from SHIELD by the end of the day as usual. When I close my eyes, everything is okay, but when I open them, I fell in despair seeing that everything being okay it’s just an illusion.

You have no idea how I miss you, my Love. I know it can looks stupid and even weird, but lots of times I started to scream lots of swear words in sequence, hoping to hear you miraculously censure me, yet, obviously, never hearing anything. Pepper said that isolation is going to drive me crazy and I should look after a specialist, someone to talk with. Pepper Potts is always right but, frankly my Dear, I don’t give a damn. The only person that I want to talk with can’t listen to me anymore. And the worst part of it? The fault is all mine.

Being here, immersed in my own psychological time, several times I catch myself lost in a nostalgia without end. This morning I was looking to our wedding album. That was definitely the happiest day of my life. There’s no words to express how surreally wonderful was to see you in aisle, all in white, so beautiful. Until nowadays I have no clue of how Nat convinced you of not wear your formal military suit, but, frankly, it doesn’t matter by now. At that very moment, I was sure that you would be mine forever. While we danced our first dance, I could only think about two things; first of all, that I married with the hottest guy in all the America and secondly, that, since this moment, we were eternal, infinity. It seems that I was wrong, right?

I was looking to an album of when Peter was a tiny little baby too. You know Steve, I remember pretty well the day Peter came to us like it was yesterday. I remember how I panicked, asking how could I take care of a kid if I barely can take care of myself. But, surpreendently, I did, we did it! Of course that we had a little help of uncle Bucky, auntie Pepper, aunt Nat, uncle Clint, uncle Bruce, uncle Thor and grandpa Nick but anyway, we did it!  
When Gwen died and I tried to consulate Peter, we had a little fight. He said that I didn’t know how he was feeling, that I never experienced the feeling of loose a person that I loved unconditionally in such a brutal way, staying with the feeling that it was all my fault. So it came the war and I tasted the terrible taste of this feeling. The only difference is that, in my case, the fault is actually mine.

There’s no day that I do not regret started this damned war. The Register Law seemed to be a good idea in theory, but was actually pretty fucked since the beginning. Although, into my head, I was doing the right thing, I should tried to listen to you. I was blind by my pride and arrogance and even you couldn’t show me the light.  
I am a completely coward. I spend the day locked in the bedroom like some spoiled teenager, to run away from my problems, instead of go out and face the reality like a grow-ass man. Everyone say that it’s okay, but it’s not, at least not for me. I just cannot consider the idea that someone can forgive me, knowing that not even I can forgive myself. What I have done has no forgiveness. I manipulated, lied and throw my friends one against the others. And all of that for what? Just to lose the love of my life.  
Pepper said that she understand and I should get out of the bedroom, retake my life, move on, this kind of stuff, after all, a person cannot be in grief forever. However, what she doesn’t understand is that I simply can’t. I cannot accept wake up in the morning without having you by my side. I cannot accept go to the SHIELD base and do not finding you there. I cannot accept not seeing your smile. I cannot accept not admiring your fascinating blue eyes. I cannot accept arriving at home and not finding you playing cards with Bucky. I just cannot accept a life without you. I cannot and I don’t to.

You know that I’ve never used to be a very faithful kind of guy. But now, the hope that there’s something else is the only thing that keeps me from completely freak out. I feel like I have no certain in life by now, but I hope, just hope, that God can forgive me someday and, maybe this way, I can finally see again the eyes of the one that proved that, after all, Tony Stark do has a heart.

With all my love, your eternal and annoying Tony.


End file.
